James

BGM:  A Man is Not His Song - Feist

He took a bag from the trunk. In it were a thermos filled with hot coffee, another one filled with soup, and two packs of BLT sandwich he made the night before. She was impressed. She usually was the one responsible for the food. Picnic was her thing.

He unfolded the picnic mat at the spot she chose, and unpacked the bag. They sat facing the river.

"I miss doing this with you," she said, unwrapping her sandwich happily.

"I miss you too," he replied as he bit into his. "Are you growing your hair?" he asked. She nodded.

"Yes. Just a little to here," she tapped her own shoulder.

"This length looks good on you,"

"You think?" She took off her beanie and tussled up her hair, which was damp with sweat.

He remembered how strands of her hair were sticking to her neck as she looked down to him, breathing heavily, her eyes a deep dark sea. He swallowed and took a deep sigh, trying to keep his head straight.

"Please break up with him and come back to me?"

The glass of soup was half-way to her lips. She turned her face to him with widened eyes. "Eh?"

James was smiling but Esme knew he was serious.

"I feel ambushed, FYI." The soup glass was still half-way.

There has always been this extreme polarity with James. He would either say nothing at all,or his mouth would be loose like a canon ball.

"Sorry about that." Although he was not sorry about telling her what exactly was in his mind.

"I actually would rather not be here with you. We should be at your place, because I want to...," he stopped and swallowed again.

Esme tried to gauge the situation and what she could say or how to react, because she knew James was being brutally honest and straight to the point.

They had a synchronized energy, where they would greatly affected one another be it mood or ideas, especially in close proximity. It's not like she could read his mind, but she can sense his state of mind, and vice versa. And currently she could sense the tension was expanding rapidly. She began to consciously control her breathing to calm herself down, and hopefully calming him too?

"Because I want you back," he said after the considerably long pause. He immediately felt calm. Esme however, was failing to regain calmness. He watched with interest as she struggled to maintain composure.

Esme scarfed down her sandwich and gulped down the soup. She was not going to answer that because that was not a question. That was a declaration. Knowing James, trying to talk him out of it would be useless.

"Are you going to avoid me?" Here it comes. James knew the right questions. He always had.

"I will try to," she answered honestly.

"But do you want to avoid me?"

Esme shot a look at him. "You know."

James knew she didn't want to.

The reason they broke up was because he wasn't settling down. She said this herself. Coming out of a broken long time relationship, she made her stance crystal clear. If they didn't have the same idea on how the relationship would go, she would move on. She had said this too.

James knew this was what happened with Wes. But Wes was putting himself in the position of a guardian. James was just being unsure of what he really wanted, and this ruffled her greatly. She hated indecisiveness. Especially because she knew that James was capable of being completely resolute.  

So they broke up. Over dinner she cooked in his apartment on a peaceful Tuesday that was becoming a regular habitual thing for them. “We cannot be lovers.”

He knew it was coming. It would be unfair to let her expect things and not fulfil it. Not that she expected anything. That woman would simply ask instead of playing guess. He then said his sorry. The one thing he didn’t say when she said she still want to be friends was that he would not be like Wesley.

She still came to Friday and Tuesday classes. He would come to her work place once a week. Sometimes they would have morning trek or jog dates, like today. Essentially not much changed except for the part where they spent the nights together. They floated in a level of comfort of having each other within distance of reach and not really demanding anything. And then, Sam arrived at the scene. Esme just floated away with him. James was bothered by the fact that he was bothered by this.

Esme closed her eyes, trying to fight the part of her that went, yes let us be back to that comfort. Because that want was morally wrong.

"Hey," James' deep baritone voice pulled her back to the river banks. "Don't push yourself too hard," James smiled. Esme glared at the river, partially angry with herself.

"After ambushing me? You are such an asshole."

"Come back to me," he repeated. "Maybe not now, but come back."

"Geez, thank you for cutting me some slack."

"Do you want to say that I've changed? I haven't. I just want you."

She hit him hard at the shoulder, since she couldn't tell him it's too late. It would be a lie. She’s not good at lying, especially when being ambushed like this.

James received the blow without losing his smile. She's being angry meant that the hit was actually on her, at her softest parts.

"Thank you for the breakfast." She stood up and walked away without looking back.

James didn't have to hold her hand to physically held her back, or to instill more doubts in her mind.

Esme didn't show up at class that Friday. When she went jogging, she took the uphill path and avoiding the river track.

She knew it had to be dealt with, but later, and not that soon.