Lines

BGM: Peaking - Tay Iwar

The door bell rang.

From the door peephole Esme could see Sam standing outside. She opened the door to him smiling wide. She greeted him with a hug.

“Was it difficult to find this place?”

“No, you gave pretty clear directions.”

Esme rented a small studio and kept it as minimalist as possible to avoid the small place being too crowded. A foldable sofa-bed, a foldable table that serves as dining table and work desk, a single shelf full of books. One wall surface was decorated with photos of her daughter, puppies, herself, and colorful post-it filled with handwritten notes.

She let Sam sat at the sofa and offered him warm drink before excusing herself to finish what she was doing before Sam arrived, folding and storing clean laundry. Sam had suggested that he would come early ahead of their Sunday date, because he wanted to see where she lived, to get to know her better.

“I used to live in a studio like this, but smaller, and worse,” he said, sipping from his cup. “This is really comfy.”

“Thank you. I was lucky with this place. I even have a beautiful window,” Esme answered with her back against the sofa, still busy folding and sorting out clothes. Sam checked the boasted window. From the fifth floor, the view was other buildings windows and roofs. He had seen worse. He then noticed there was a line of small pots standing in line at the ledge of the window outside. He smiled to himself and muttered, “Cute,” under his breath.

“Can I take a look at this?” Sam pointed to the book shelf.

“Sure, go ahead.”

The shelf was filled with books on yoga, spiritualism, several novels, and a number of photo albums. One photo album was especially filled with photographs of Esme, which obviously were taken by somebody else. Some of the photographs were even conceptual professional studio shots type. Sam made a comment about this.

“Did you do modeling jobs?”

Esme turned her head to see the reason of this sudden question. She laughed. “No. I don’t think those worth anything in currency.”

“You just went to the photo studio and took these?”

“Not really. Those were made by Wesley Mann. Sometimes he just wanted to fool around.”

Esme’s hair were a lot shorter in the photographs. Some of the photos were candid shot that seemed fitting to be used for a magazine ad. Several of these were in the style of photographs taken for a pictorial book. Sam clicked his tongue. The name sounded familiar, he couldn’t remember how or where he heard that name before.

“Did you date this Wesley Mann?”

Esme cleared her throat and said, “Yes.”

“You broke up with him?” Sam asked again to make sure.

“Yes.”

“Why did you break up?” he asked because curiosity got the best of him.

Esme had finished her chores and sat next to the curious man. “It was too convenient. It didn’t really start with a spark and after a while there was no fire. We were better off as friends.”

But the photographs spoke differently. Even Sam could tell Esme wasn’t a mere object of photography in them. Wesley Mann shot those photos through adoring eyes. At least at the time those photos were taken. The candid ones especially, were really personal.

“He took those too?” Sam pointed at the photos on the wall. It was mostly of Lila with outdoor setting. The photography style was similar.

“Oh, yes. They became best buddies. He always invited Lila for a camping or fishing trip when she came for the summer.”

Sam also noticed something else. The tall dance teacher guy. In the other photo album containing mostly postcards sent by Lila and group photos, the dance teacher guy was there. He was always in the group photos of what presumably taken after a class or workshop event. He was always standing next to Esme and they looked physically close to one another in these group photos.

Sam tapped on his face in a what seemed to be a backstage group photo. “This is that dance teacher, right? Did you date him too?”

Esme gaped at him before chuckling. “Wah, your eyes are sharp.”

Sam kept staring at her and chuckled too. “You dated the dance teacher? Were you going to ever tell me?”

“When you picked me up at the dance studio, I told you. I told you I was going to introduce you to him. But he left early.”

“You are such a flirt,” Sam shook his head. “What happened with him?”

“I’m not sure how to explain it. Outside of dancing, James is pretty bad in communication. So, love relationship won’t work.”

Oh right. His name was James. Sam sighed and shook his head, “I saw you two dancing and that made me jealous. Don’t dance with him, please.”

“He’s one of my first friends here, and also one of the very few best friends I have in this city.”

“I can be your best friend,” Sam pouted.

“We’ll see about that,” Esme replied softly. Their gazed locked for a while.

“Do they know each other?” Sam broke the silence.

“Who? James and Wes? Yes. They hang out together now.”

“That’s cute. They’re friends after they broke up with you.”

“Not really. We met Wes at about the same time. I’m not exactly sure when they became friends. Anyways, I’ll introduce you to them one day.”

“So I can be friends with them? Are you breaking up with me?”

Esme laughed. “No. What I mean was…,” she couldn’t continue and began chuckling.

“Should I tell you about my exes?” Sam suddenly asked.

Without losing a beat Esme answered, “No. I’ll get jealous. I like you and that’s enough.”

Sam pouted, “You’re not even curious.”

“I’m curious but I also know I would be jealous so I would rather not ask. I’m going to change and then we could go out.”

While Esme was busy picking up some clothes and preparing herself for their date, Sam checked his phone. He searched for Wesley Mann and discovered that the guy was quite an accomplished photographer and graphic designer, . But he still couldn’t pinpoint where he heard his name before. And then he searched for the name James and the dance studio where James taught. James Zhao was handsome, he had to admit. Not only was he a handsome dance teacher, he also worked as a model.

Sam sighed. “Best friend eh?” He pouted at the beautiful face of James Zhao who stared back at him solemnly from his phone screen.

Main Dish

 

BGM: GPS - Galimatias, Bas

Sam woke up to an empty blanket. He found her outside in the couch, looking sleepy and puffy-faced, reading a book. He sat next to her, rubbing her back.

“Did you sleep well?”

“Yes. I overslept until 8.”

She let him cuddled her. He could smell the fresh baby powder scent. He inhaled deep and let out a contented sigh. “You showered without me,” he pouted.

“I was going to make coffee, or tea, but… I don’t know where you keep things,” she put down her book.

He gave her a tour to his small kitchen. Five minutes later, she was already busy reheating the food they didn’t get to eat the night before. When he finished showering, the table was already set with food.

“Do you have plans for today?” Sam asked. Esme shook her head.

“Do you have work today?” She asked back.

He clicked his tongue and checked his phone, “One schedule in the evening. I would need to go by 5PM.”

They had the late breakfast sitting next to each other, feet touching under the table.

“Do you want to go out after this?” Sam asked. Esme just shrugged, and then shook her head.

Sam then asked about her child. She told him about Lila and showed him photographs of the teenager. Lila was currently living with her father and they talked on the phone nearly every day. She stopped talking and studied his expression closely. He asked if she missed Lila.

“Sometimes,” she answered as she kept studying his expression. “She visited me every summer, and the plan is to keep the visit an annual thing until I could get her to move in with me.”

“That’s good. I hope I get to see her next summer,” Sam smiled. Esme smiled back at him. He didn’t ask why she separated with Lila’s father, so she didn’t venture to explain it either.

He washed the dishes after they finished eating. She watched him with a mug of hot coffee in front of her.

“Can I ask you something?” She suddenly said. He let her go ahead. “Are you dating anyone?”

Sam looked surprised. “You want to know the women I dated?”

“No, I mean, like, right now. Are you seeing anyone?” Which was something she should’ve asked before. She just hadn’t really thought of it. Only just now it occurred to her that she might be just that…a snack. Hardly the main dish.

Sam dried his hands with a towel and answered, “Yes, I’m seeing someone.”

Esme bit her lips and nodded to her mug of coffee. “Oh,” was the only thing she managed to say.

Sam snorted, “It’s you. I’m seeing you.”

He laughed when Esme looked surprised one second and flustered the next. He exclaimed how cute she was being while cupping her face with his hands and kissed her lips.

“Are you dating anyone?” He asked her.

“I really like Sam Duan,” she answered matter-of-factly.

Sam shook his head, “Ah, too bad Sam Duan is dating someone now.” Esme chuckled.

“Should we set it to this date?” He asked while checking his phone.

“Set what to this date?”

“The day we become a couple.”

Esme chuckled again. “Is it still a thing, to actually mark a date of officially dating someone?”

“What are you talking about? Of course!” He marked the date on the calendar app. “By the way, don’t you miss me when I don’t call?”

She explained that she knew he’s a busy person and that she’s actually not good at handling rejection. She also didn’t want to read too much into his attention and the text messages he sent her.

“You know, about last night,” he suddenly changed the subject. “That was really something. Were you planning to do that, and then not thinking that we’re together?”

Esme was caught off guard. She instinctively covered her face and whimpered, which made Sam chuckled.

“Can I ask you to do something for me?”

“What is it?”

“I want you to see only me, okay? Because I am your man,” Sam said while holding her shoulders. Esme covered her eyes.

“I am serious. I will take care of you. Here. Me. You are my woman, okay?” He put her hands to his chest while putting on the most serious face to convince her.

“Why are you like this? This is so cheesy,” Esme was flustered. Sam gave her a confident snicker, still holding her hands against his chest.

“Do you want to know a secret? When I went to that party, I came with the intention to see you,” Esme confessed.

Sam gasped. “So, this is going well in accordance with your plan?”

“Kind of?” She really blushed this time.

“Wow. You were so cool that night. Flirted with me, giving me your number. Wow, femme fatale!”

Esme pouted, “I’m lucky you’re into that kind of thing.”

“I thought you hate rejection,” he teased.

“I also believe that you only lived once,” she replied in a more serious tone. “I would regret it more if I passed the chance to go to that party, not finding you, or gave you my number, or being here.”

Sam wrapped her arms around his waist, pulling her closer to him for an embrace. “What would you do if I hadn’t called?”

“Nothing. At that time I thought, oh well, he’s not interested. I was a bit sad, but you not calling wasn’t the only thing that I was thinking about. I have a good life. This…,” she put one of his hand on her chest where her heart is. “This is a very nice bonus. Finally getting that call from you, receiving text messages and DMs, those are very nice bonuses. It makes my heart race. It’s a very good feeling.”

Sam tried to formulate some words to say to her, but came out empty. So they just stood there, smiling at each other for a long while.

“I am glad you gave me your number,” he said to her.

“I am glad you decided to call me.”

When the manager came to pick Sam up for the job schedule, he was surprised to see Esme in the apartment. On the way to the job location, they dropped her at the most convenient bus stop. Sam held her hand before she got off the car.

“Call me, okay?”

 Esme smiled.

When Sam returned to his apartment later that night, he was going to change the bedsheets, but then decided to just lay in it. He could still faintly smell her scent. He hugged the part of the blanket where her scent lingered. It smelled of baby powder. Holding her felt so good and even thinking about it made him happy.

 

James

BGM:  A Man is Not His Song - Feist

He took a bag from the trunk. In it were a thermos filled with hot coffee, another one filled with soup, and two packs of BLT sandwich he made the night before. She was impressed. She usually was the one responsible for the food. Picnic was her thing.

He unfolded the picnic mat at the spot she chose, and unpacked the bag. They sat facing the river.

"I miss doing this with you," she said, unwrapping her sandwich happily.

"I miss you too," he replied as he bit into his. "Are you growing your hair?" he asked. She nodded.

"Yes. Just a little to here," she tapped her own shoulder.

"This length looks good on you,"

"You think?" She took off her beanie and tussled up her hair, which was damp with sweat.

He remembered how strands of her hair were sticking to her neck as she looked down to him, breathing heavily, her eyes a deep dark sea. He swallowed and took a deep sigh, trying to keep his head straight.

"Please break up with him and come back to me?"

The glass of soup was half-way to her lips. She turned her face to him with widened eyes. "Eh?"

James was smiling but Esme knew he was serious.

"I feel ambushed, FYI." The soup glass was still half-way.

There has always been this extreme polarity with James. He would either say nothing at all,or his mouth would be loose like a canon ball.

"Sorry about that." Although he was not sorry about telling her what exactly was in his mind.

"I actually would rather not be here with you. We should be at your place, because I want to...," he stopped and swallowed again.

Esme tried to gauge the situation and what she could say or how to react, because she knew James was being brutally honest and straight to the point.

They had a synchronized energy, where they would greatly affected one another be it mood or ideas, especially in close proximity. It's not like she could read his mind, but she can sense his state of mind, and vice versa. And currently she could sense the tension was expanding rapidly. She began to consciously control her breathing to calm herself down, and hopefully calming him too?

"Because I want you back," he said after the considerably long pause. He immediately felt calm. Esme however, was failing to regain calmness. He watched with interest as she struggled to maintain composure.

Esme scarfed down her sandwich and gulped down the soup. She was not going to answer that because that was not a question. That was a declaration. Knowing James, trying to talk him out of it would be useless.

"Are you going to avoid me?" Here it comes. James knew the right questions. He always had.

"I will try to," she answered honestly.

"But do you want to avoid me?"

Esme shot a look at him. "You know."

James knew she didn't want to.

The reason they broke up was because he wasn't settling down. She said this herself. Coming out of a broken long time relationship, she made her stance crystal clear. If they didn't have the same idea on how the relationship would go, she would move on. She had said this too.

James knew this was what happened with Wes. But Wes was putting himself in the position of a guardian. James was just being unsure of what he really wanted, and this ruffled her greatly. She hated indecisiveness. Especially because she knew that James was capable of being completely resolute.  

So they broke up. Over dinner she cooked in his apartment on a peaceful Tuesday that was becoming a regular habitual thing for them. “We cannot be lovers.”

He knew it was coming. It would be unfair to let her expect things and not fulfil it. Not that she expected anything. That woman would simply ask instead of playing guess. He then said his sorry. The one thing he didn’t say when she said she still want to be friends was that he would not be like Wesley.

She still came to Friday and Tuesday classes. He would come to her work place once a week. Sometimes they would have morning trek or jog dates, like today. Essentially not much changed except for the part where they spent the nights together. They floated in a level of comfort of having each other within distance of reach and not really demanding anything. And then, Sam arrived at the scene. Esme just floated away with him. James was bothered by the fact that he was bothered by this.

Esme closed her eyes, trying to fight the part of her that went, yes let us be back to that comfort. Because that want was morally wrong.

"Hey," James' deep baritone voice pulled her back to the river banks. "Don't push yourself too hard," James smiled. Esme glared at the river, partially angry with herself.

"After ambushing me? You are such an asshole."

"Come back to me," he repeated. "Maybe not now, but come back."

"Geez, thank you for cutting me some slack."

"Do you want to say that I've changed? I haven't. I just want you."

She hit him hard at the shoulder, since she couldn't tell him it's too late. It would be a lie. She’s not good at lying, especially when being ambushed like this.

James received the blow without losing his smile. She's being angry meant that the hit was actually on her, at her softest parts.

"Thank you for the breakfast." She stood up and walked away without looking back.

James didn't have to hold her hand to physically held her back, or to instill more doubts in her mind.

Esme didn't show up at class that Friday. When she went jogging, she took the uphill path and avoiding the river track.

She knew it had to be dealt with, but later, and not that soon.

 

 

 

Mesin waktu

            Tertegun aku menatap kehadirannya. Dan senyumnya. Juga matanya.

            “Tira!”

            Ya dia memanggil namaku lagi. Suaranya begitu bening. Ada nuansa terkejut di sana.

            Tapi hanya sedikit aku terperangah. Mungkin aku terkejut akan menemuinya pada tempat seperti ini. Aku sama sekali tidak menyangka akan bertemu siapa-siapa di supermarket kuno ini. Bahkan saat mas Bima, satu-satunya kakak laki-lakiku, memarkir mobil di lapangan parkir, aku sedikit enggan untuk turun.

            Senyum itu begitu hangat.

            Aku tidak lagi bengong. Sama sekali tidak. Aku seolah sudah menggariskan momen seperti ini. Aku sudah tahu, kalau satu saat aku bertemu dia, pasti perasaan inilah yang aku rasakan.

            Aku membalas senyumnya. Membalas sorotan matanya.

            Bertahun-tahun. Ya bertahun-tahun aku hanya bertemu dengannya lewat mimpi. Kadang-kadang. Dan bertahun-tahun juga dia menyapaku melalui lamunan. Senyum yang sama. Alis dengan tebal yang sama.

            Sosoknya begitu lekat. Sepekat hari-hariku. Seringai yang dibawanya dalam mimpi membuat malamku penuh warna. Sorot matanya yang teduh membalikannya hitam putih kembali. Tapi, hey lihatlah dia ada di hadapanku sekarang. Rasanya tak sanggup aku menahan lenganku untuk tak memeluknya.

            “Bayu!” seruku.

            Dia mengulurkan tangannya. Begitu kokoh. Tapi tak sempet kunikmati genggamannya. Karena mata kita seolah tak berhenti saling menelaah.

            “Kemana aja?” tanyanya.

            Aku tak kuasa menahan gadis ceria di dalam diriku. Telunjukku menudingnya, “Nggak. Elu yang kemana aja?!”

            Dan senyumnya yang meringis itu. Juga matanya yang menyipit.

            “Lu ga pernah ngumpul-ngumpul bareng anak-anak,” tudingku lagi.

            Dia masih tertawa. Tapi tawanya mereda. Kemudian matanya menelusuriku. Mencari titik-titik perbedaan. Ya, aku tahu apa yang terekam di memorinya. Seorang perempuan dengan rok abu-abu, kemeja putih dengan lambang OSIS, sepatu all-star hitam, dan tas ransel besar berwarna merah.  Perawakan lebih berisi dari sekarang dan rambut sebahu.

            “Kamu kurus sekarang,” gumamnya sambil mengamatiku. Menyisir dari ujung kepala hingga ke ujung kaki.

            Benar kan.

            Giliranku menyapukan pandang. Dimanakah letak titik-titik perbedaan itu? Bayangan-bayangan berkelebat di benakku bagaikan video yang diputar ulang. Dalam sekejap aku mendapatinya lagi. Sosok semampai dengan kulit kecoklatan dan alis tebal. Rambut pendek nyaris botak serta tubuh atletis. Perbandingan yang sama. Mungkin rambutnya sedikit lebih panjang. Aku memandanginya sedikit lagi. Tidak. Tetap sosok yang sama. Sehingga aku urung berkomentar tentangnya.

            Sejenak waktu saja yang berputar. Juga rekaman memori di otak kita.

            “Ngapain lu di sini?” tanyaku berusaha mencairkan suasana.

            Dan dia tersenyum. Sambil menggaruk-garuk belakang kepalanya yang aku yakin tidak gatal. “Lah, kamu ngapain di sini?”

            Dan kembali kita hanya menyeringai. Seolah itu semua dapat menjawab pertanyaan.

            Tawa itu bagitu hangat. Sekaligus begitu jauh. Tanpa kusadari aku memejamkan mataku sebentar. Ada pertanyaan lucu, mengapa kita menutup mata kita saat tertawa, berciuman dan bermimpi? Dan jawabannya karena hal-hal yang indah di dunia ini hanya bisa dirasakan dan tidak bisa dilihat oleh mata. Sama halnya dengan tawa hangat itu.

            Maaf, eberapa detik tadi aku menjadi terlalu melankolik. Tapi memang melankolik menjadi bagian diriku setelah mengenal Bayu. Tawaku mempunyai air mata setelah mengenalnya.

            “Gue lagi bareng Mas Bima,” sahutku pelan, mengenyahkan perasaan melankolik tadi.

            Dia tersenyum. Manggut-manggut. Seolah mengerti sesuatu. Padahal tidak ada yang harus dimengerti di sini.

            Entah karena tidak ada pembicaraan atau apa, tiba-tiba dia berkata, “Gue bareng... eng... “ Tubuhnya membalik sedikit, memperlihatkan ada wanita lain di belakangnya.

            Entah bagaimana perasaanku saat itu. Cewek yang sama. Oh, maksudku, tipikal cewek yang sama dengan... para wanita yang telah membuatku meneteskan air mata. Lagi. Untuk kesekian kalinya. Akan hubungan antara aku dan Bayu dan para wanita itu.

            Gadis berambut panjang itu tersenyum kepadaku. Senyum yang serupa. Bahkan mungkin memporak porandakan hatiku di sedikitnya kebahagiaan sore ini?

            Seharusnya kami bersalaman. Tapi jarak yang membentang, walopun tidak lebih dari dua meter, membuat kami tak bergeming di tempat masing-masing. Seperti ada usaha untuk mempertahankan daerah teritori. Dengan lelaki di antara kami sebagai piala atau hadiah hiburan.

            Tanpa kusadari semakin dalam aku menelaahnya. Oh, mengapa wajah wanita itu begitu mirip manisnya dengan Bayu? Tapi mengapa Tuhan menganugerahinya kulit putih mulus sedikit berlebihan? Lalu, mengapa celana jeans itu membungkus tungkainya begitu pas dan rapih? Dan lengannya ramping sempurna. Dan lihatlah rambutnya hitam legam dan berlarian di punggungnya. Nampaknya seluruh dunia pun tahu sekarang, siapa yang pantas membawa pulang hadiah hiburan.

            Tanpa kusadari aku menelaah diriku sendiri. Ah mengapa hari ini aku terlihat biasa cenderung katro dengan rok batik dan kaos putih polos ini? Lihatlah betis ini mencuat begitu ingin diperhatikan. Rambutku pun lebih berombak dan berkeliaran tak mau tunduk pada pemiliknya.

            Cukup. Kulihat si pemenang hadiah hiburan tadi. Sedikit ego boleh menyembul. Aku unik, kau begitu pada umumnya. Dengan kata lain, aku aneh, dan kau cantik selayaknya wanita.

            “Dinda, sepupu gw,” cetus Bayu.

            Dan seketikan itu juga terdengar denting simbal dipukul nyaring.

            “Hai Dinda,” sapaku begitu hangat. Semoga dia melihat itikad baik dan sebuncah kebahagiaan di dalamnya.

            Dinda hanya tersenyum. Nampak tidak peduli. Tapi mulai memperhatikanku. Tapi kini aku yang tidak peduli. Aku tersenyum dan mencatat setiap detik momen ini di otakku dan siap mebacanya kapan saja.

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